Orange Julius Caesar Crosses the Orinoco, Declares Himself King of Tacos

Well, strap in, because the tectonic plates of geopolitical stupidity just shifted again. Donald Trump, a man whose grasp of foreign policy has the structural integrity of a snowpack in May, has decided to end his famous “endless wars” by starting a new, presumably very limited one in Venezuela. It’s a bold strategy, like trying to put out a grease fire with a gallon of gasoline.

Apparently, after a particularly lucid fever dream fueled by Diet Coke and Fox News, the President decided the Monroe Doctrine was a little dusty. So he updated it. He reportedly scrawled the “Don-roe Doctrine” on a cocktail napkin with a Sharpie during a commercial break, declaring that the Western Hemisphere is now his personal sandbox and the other countries are just there to hold his juice box. The plan, as far as anyone can decipher from the crayon marks, is to reassert “American Dominance” by invading anyone south of the Rio Grande who looks at him funny.

The first target was Venezuela. U.S. Special Forces, probably sighing with the resignation of men asked to do something profoundly dumb, were dispatched to Caracas. They reportedly found dictator Nicolás Maduro in his palace, trying to teach his pet parrot the lyrics to “Macho Man.” The ensuing “strike” was less a military operation and more a heavily armed intervention for a man who’d lost his goddamn mind.

Now, Trump says the U.S. will “run Caracas” until things cool down. This is like putting a grizzly bear in charge of a salmon hatchery. His plan for governance involves installing Eric as Viceroy and scouting locations for a new Trump Tower & Casino, presumably with a beautiful, unobstructed view of the ensuing civil war.

Of course, the whole toxic landfill fire that is the GOP is cheering him on. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, a man who would fold like a cheap suit in a light breeze, assured the press this wasn’t an “invasion” but a “law enforcement function.” Sure, Marco. And a wildfire is just an “unscheduled forest-warming event.” Meanwhile, Vice President JD Vance, crawling out from whatever hollow log he calls an office, tried to explain that this is what “great powers” do, as if banana republic cosplay is a sign of national strength.

Even some of the MAGA faithful are starting to realize the trail they’re on leads right off a cliff. Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted something about how this wasn't what they voted for, a rare moment of clarity akin to a stopped clock being right twice a day. The Democrats, for their part, are wringing their hands so hard they might start a fire. Chuck Schumer expressed “deep concern,” which has about as much stopping power as a sternly worded letter to a rockslide.

So here we are. The isolationist who promised to bring the troops home has just become the world’s most belligerent landlord, threatening to evict Cuba and Colombia next. This isn’t grand strategy. This is a fucking toddler throwing the chess board across the room because he doesn’t understand the rules. And we’re all just standing around in the wildfire haze, watching him do it.